SeaWorld’s prosperity in the tough marketplace of central Florida theme parks can be partly attributed to a successful use of a middle positioned marketing strategy. While most parks either attempt to lead the market on price and/or quality or cater exclusively to a specific niche demographic, SeaWorld goes middle of the line in pretty much all categories. It’s a risky strategy given that it often leads to a generic, undifferentiated product, but somehow they managed to pull it off, and today are happily skimming from the customer base for both Disney and Universal with their broad appeal to young children, parents, grandparents, and even thrill seekers.

It’s no surprise that in 2008 SeaWorld saw an opportunity to replicate their success in the water park business, especially given how integral water already is to their theme park brand. Aquatica seems to have been designed with a similar “middle position” strategy in mind, and it doesn’t quite work as well this time around. There are some cool slides, but nothing that can match the quantity let alone quality of slides at Wet ‘n Wild. There’s also some beautiful landscaping to be found among an expertly designed infrastructure, but nothing that will have jaws dropping the same way Disney’s Typhoon Lagoon or Blizzard Beach can do. Before I left the park exit at the end of the afternoon I was asked to take a customer feedback survey, and relying only upon my immediate impressions (usually I like to let my initial impressions distill for a couple of days before making any final opinions) I discovered that while I had few specific complaints to make or suggestions for improvements, prompted by the survey’s final question I couldn’t find in myself a strong desire to return in the near future.

Supposedly Aquatica differentiates itself from other water parks by being a “natural” water park with a heavy emphasis on SeaWorld’s brand of animal interactions, but if so then they do a poor job at meeting their own objectives. The extensive tropical landscaping throughout the park, while highly attractive, is too obviously manufactured and groomed by humans to feel like a natural paradise or water biopark. The water slides do nothing to help this perception, as they’re all a collection of brightly colored stock models that stand apart from the botanical landscapes with few qualities that couldn’t be found at a generic water park anywhere else across the country. Most problematically, the wildlife is overplayed in the park’s marketing while being severely underplayed in the park itself. There are only two marine life exhibits in the entire water park, both clustered near the front entrance and neither leaving much of a lasting impact on the attractions they serve (more on that topic later). Apart from the Commerson’s dolphins and a tank of tropical fish nearby, you won’t find any other biological exhibits anywhere else on the park’s 100 acre property, except perhaps for a macaw or two hanging out on a perch near the gift shop.

Perhaps that last criticism is actually a blessing in disguise, as I’m not sure if I completely agree that the merger of a marine life park and a water park is a good idea in the first place. Rationally I understand that the Commerson’s dolphins (or any other sea life that could potentially be integrated into Aquatica in the near future) are all well cared for with the best enclosures and caretakers that money can buy. Apart from an acrylic tube running through the middle of their swim area there’s no significant difference in the dolphin’s standard of living compared to if they lived at any other major aquarium. Nevertheless I can’t help but feel a bit of unease that we’ve crossed some sort of ethical boundary now that we’re using sentient creatures as thematic window dressings to enhance a water slide. At zoos or aquariums you’re paying to see the animals, and we offer respect to these living creatures by being observant and curious when faced with them. At Aquatica we’re paying to ride water slides and the animals become utilized as tools to enhance our enjoyment of these features, which breaks the ethical maxim to “do not use a person (or sentient creature) as a means to your end”, unlike at the aquarium or zoo where the animals are always the ‘end’. Granted, any utilitarian ethicist would argue that our moral system should probably be more concerned about the actual welfare of the animals rather than indulging my own sentiments about the socio-economic structure that surrounds them, but morality is rarely a strictly rational subject.

Dolphin Plunge

These twin body slides, supposedly Aquatica’s signature attraction, would have been totally unremarkable if they didn’t dive through the Commerson’s dolphin exhibit in a clear acrylic tube at the end of their run. With this feature the Dolphin Plunge becomes a bit frustrating in addition to being totally unremarkable. On my first try I could see nothing but blurry blue outlines for a split second. On my second try it was the same. On my third try I got advice from an employee that you had to go down the left slide and look to your left through the clear tube (obvious, right?), whereupon I finally witnessed some blurry black and white shapes in the distance among the blurry blues for a split second, and instantly concluded that the effort had absolutely not been worth it.

Grade: D+

Loggerhead Lane

This lazy river circles around the Tassie’s Twisters bowl slides, and includes a passage through an artificial cave featuring a large aquarium filled with numerous exotic fish. It’s not an especially long river and tubes are required, but mixed with some spins on the centerpiece slides it’s a nice area to spend some time in and get acclimated to the water before setting out to the bigger slides.

Grade: C

Tassie’s Twisters___________________

Entry is through the Loggerhead Lane, which is also where you’ll be deposited at the end. Although they look similar to The Storm at Wet ‘n Wild, they’re single person tube slides with a ramp at the bottom similar to the Time Warp. The good news is with the reduced surface area compared to the cloverleaf tubes on the behemoth bowls you can sustain speed for a lot longer and get a couple more rotations in before losing energy. If I recall there are also a few differences between the blue and green sides, such as cascades on the bowl walls of blue, and geysers coming up through the floor on green. Overall they’re a lot of fun. A small warning if you’re with others: note that each slide finishes on the opposite end of the lazy river when you want to reconvene at the bottom.

Grade: C

Walhalla Wave

The multi-person raft slide is a staple at any water park and usually can be considered one of the park’s top attractions. Aquatica is no different. Walhalla Wave has a long serpentine run that takes nearly a minute to complete, and while there are few surprises or variances in the layout, it’s one of the few water slides to feature a notable progression by keeping the first half entirely open air while the second half is enclosed in a pitch black tunnel. Just as you get comfortable with its pacing and rhythms, it marks a sudden contrast that raises the stakes by forcing you into the dark. Conceptually simple, but effective nonetheless.

Grade: C+

HooRoo Run

This multi-person raft flanks the side of Walhalla Wave, and is another entry in the category of slides that do nothing but go down a series of straight drops. Apparently these types of slides must be popular among some people since parks keep building them (or they’re cheap to construct relative to how many people they can accommodate on busy attendance days), but I always find these to be a waste of the potential energy that was hard earned on the staircase. Bulky circular rafts were simply not intended for a chute whose sole design function is to maximize speed.

Grade: D

Taumata Racer

I’m admittedly biased against these multi-lane mat racer slides since I believe belly down and face first is clearly not how God designed the human body to go down water slides. I will concede that this 8-lane Octopus Racer is much better than the Mach 5 at Wet ‘n Wild, perhaps in part because each lane consists of a single helix followed by a single drop into a shallow runway, meaning I didn’t feel the need to defend my vertebrae at every change in direction. The racing aspect, complete with a billboard-sized competitive stopwatch at the end, could have almost convinced me to try it more than once… if I hadn’t visited in the off-season when at most three or four people would go down every five minutes.

Grade: D

Roa’s Rapids

Calling these “rapids” is a bit of a stretch, but everything else about this fast-paced lazy river that forms the center of Aquatica is golden. Unlike Loggerhead Lane, inner tubes are expressly not allowed in Roa’s Rapids, meaning you’re free to get swept along by the current hindered by nothing but a life vest (optional) and your swimsuit (non-optional). The water is so swift and the riverbed is so smooth that I found it was actually impossible to bring myself to a stop in the water without grabbing on to the rocks on the bank. What should have been nothing more than an advanced transportation system to get patrons from one side of the park to the other actually became perhaps Aquatica’s star attraction. It’s a nearly impossible test of willpower to do only a half lap, as there was always another sweet spot in the current just around the next corner that I needed to catch.

Grade: B-

Cutback Cove

This is one half of Aquatica’s wave pool complex, which also consists of the milder Big Surf Shores immediately next to it, as well as a large lounge area set on top of real beach sand (that somehow doesn’t become a problem for the wave pool filters). We were sure to try to aggressive waves for a couple of minutes, but had it not been marked clearly on the map I would have thought we’d somehow ended up in the gentle end instead (which upon later inspection appeared absolutely lethargic). A beautiful setting and convenient countdown timer to the next wave cycle can’t mask the fact that the region has better surf to swim in, even without driving to the coast.

Whanau Way

Opinion in two words: “Generally fun”. I arrived at this conclusion through logical inference:

Q: These are water slides (of the most generic 1-2 person inner tube variety).

P: Water slides are generally fun.

Therefore, Whanau Way is generally fun. This is an example of the simple argument form of “modus ponens”, which is Latin for “do I look like I care?”

Grade: D+

Omaka Rocka

These single-person tube slides (Aquatica’s first major capital expansion in 2010) are related to ProSlide’s ever-popular Tornado funnel slides, but first-hand experience will reveal it to be a distant relationship. Unlike the standard Tornado, which is a one-trick pony all about achieving that big moment of hangtime on the funnel walls, Omaka Rocka sports three miniature funnels that keep it fun and lighthearted from beginning to end. The funnels are too small to ride the walls and instead function somewhat like a lottery wheel, rocking back and forth before chance decides if you’ll go through the next enclosed segment forward or backward. (Often it’s backwards.) The small-scale, unpredictable nature of the attraction makes it almost addictively fun, and is enhanced by a series of ‘speed bumps’ along the straight sections and a rousing enclosed helix finale. The best slides emphasize the simple pleasures of playing in the water, and for its small size Omaka Rocka achieves this in spades.

Grade: B-

Summary

Aquatica had the potential to redefine the water park experience in the 2000’s in the same way their competitors at Disney did in the 1980’s and 1990’s, or as Wet ‘n Wild originally made the genre what it was in the 1970’s. Instead they made a great example of the generic tropical themed water park, and while it’s almost always fun and enjoyable, it very rarely achieves the level of inspiration that O-Town demands.

Overall Grade: C-

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